'And she didn't help you up?'
'No. Just left me where she'd knocked me over.'
'I think we should move, Piglet.'
'I hear what you're saying.'
'Is that Mr Dude's lingo again? So, let me get it all straight--this journalist--'
'Carmella Long…'
'Was running past the Old Spinney to--say it again?'
'Escape execution by two cats who might not be cats.'
'And what had she done?'
'Well, apparently, she sent out a twat.'
'Pardon?'
'Tigger says it's a little gizmo message to anyone who'll listen. And many more who just happen to be in the wrong place at the time. And her twat was proper unkind to Major Tom's friends for being so sad that he'd gone…you know…Up There. Said she couldn't feel what they were feeling.'
'Ah, right, so, since she couldn't feel it, it couldn't possibly be true.'
'"Man Up!" That's what she told them.'
'But that's not right, Piglet.'
'How so? Sow ho?'
'Well, Owl said…you know, some of Major Tom's friends were . . . well, majors who were sort of majorettes… or vice reversal … or neither … or other.'
'Ah, I know that one! "If other, please append supporting statement".'
'Right, so if they were one or other or one and other or both or neither or supporting statement appenders--'
'Yes?'
'Well, just saying "Man Up" is about as helpful as saying … I don't know … "Antimacassar Up!" or "Adorable Little Black-and-White Puppy Up"!'
'Androgyne. That's the word Owl used.'
'So this Dame Aux Caramels should have said "Androgyne Up!"?'
'Yes. Or, to put it as she spoke when she knocked me down, "F****** Androgyne the F**k Up!".'
'Goodness, she likes saying her little dotty things. Those--'
'Asteroids, Pooh. She ran out of them with me.'
'Saying what?'
'Get the F**k out of my way you f****** little oiky oink, I know your f****** sort, f********************state school ******f*************foodbank f**********rickets**************.'
'Sounds odder than Tigger's funny phrases--stretching the antelope and all that.'
'Well, when you say a lot of asteroids together, it comes out rrrr.'
'So mainly she was standing over you going Frrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.'
'Exactly. Frrrrrrrrrrrr.'
'What a jolly way to spend the rest of this walk home.'
'Eh?'
'We can pretend to send a twat. Are you sure that's the word?'
'Tigger says.'
'Well, if Tigger says … mmm, no, never mind. All right, here we go, Piglet. Carmella Long's Undispatched Twat. Ready?'
'Ready!'
'Frrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr sound of me own voice--'
'Frrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr everything tickety-boo for the likes of us--'
'Frrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr totes lols obvs--'
'Frrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr it's all about meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee--'
'Oh, gosh, Piglet, this is jolly.'
'No. Just left me where she'd knocked me over.'
'I think we should move, Piglet.'
'I hear what you're saying.'
'Is that Mr Dude's lingo again? So, let me get it all straight--this journalist--'
'Carmella Long…'
'Was running past the Old Spinney to--say it again?'
'Escape execution by two cats who might not be cats.'
'And what had she done?'
'Well, apparently, she sent out a twat.'
'Pardon?'
'Tigger says it's a little gizmo message to anyone who'll listen. And many more who just happen to be in the wrong place at the time. And her twat was proper unkind to Major Tom's friends for being so sad that he'd gone…you know…Up There. Said she couldn't feel what they were feeling.'
'Ah, right, so, since she couldn't feel it, it couldn't possibly be true.'
'"Man Up!" That's what she told them.'
'But that's not right, Piglet.'
'How so? Sow ho?'
'Well, Owl said…you know, some of Major Tom's friends were . . . well, majors who were sort of majorettes… or vice reversal … or neither … or other.'
'Ah, I know that one! "If other, please append supporting statement".'
'Right, so if they were one or other or one and other or both or neither or supporting statement appenders--'
'Yes?'
'Well, just saying "Man Up" is about as helpful as saying … I don't know … "Antimacassar Up!" or "Adorable Little Black-and-White Puppy Up"!'
'Androgyne. That's the word Owl used.'
'So this Dame Aux Caramels should have said "Androgyne Up!"?'
'Yes. Or, to put it as she spoke when she knocked me down, "F****** Androgyne the F**k Up!".'
'Goodness, she likes saying her little dotty things. Those--'
'Asteroids, Pooh. She ran out of them with me.'
'Saying what?'
'Get the F**k out of my way you f****** little oiky oink, I know your f****** sort, f********************state school ******f*************foodbank f**********rickets**************.'
'Sounds odder than Tigger's funny phrases--stretching the antelope and all that.'
'Well, when you say a lot of asteroids together, it comes out rrrr.'
'So mainly she was standing over you going Frrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.'
'Exactly. Frrrrrrrrrrrr.'
'What a jolly way to spend the rest of this walk home.'
'Eh?'
'We can pretend to send a twat. Are you sure that's the word?'
'Tigger says.'
'Well, if Tigger says … mmm, no, never mind. All right, here we go, Piglet. Carmella Long's Undispatched Twat. Ready?'
'Ready!'
'Frrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr sound of me own voice--'
'Frrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr everything tickety-boo for the likes of us--'
'Frrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr totes lols obvs--'
'Frrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr it's all about meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee--'
'Oh, gosh, Piglet, this is jolly.'
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