Hackery-Pokery

'Piglet?'

'Hmm?'

'Does this mean we can actually have a private conversation without all and Sunday reading it?'

'Sadly not. He's been sorted out, apparently.'

'So what exactly happened?'

'He was hacked.'

'Goodness. Badly?'

'Tigger says so. And he knows who did it.'

'Who's that, then?'

'Some bruiser called Mal Ware. Keeps a lock-up on the outskirts of Profile Pending.'

'I've no idea what a lock-up is.'

'Nor me. Just sounds dead human to lob it in.'

'Ah, yes, like "if you look at the stats"--'

'Which is just a mispronunciation of "if you look at the spats", which chaps used to say in the 1920s when they were trying to gain admission to "Ducky Footwear" evenings in Knightsbridge.'

'So, well…he was hacked, eh?'

'Well and truly.'

'How much of him fell off?'

'Tigger says it's better to ask how much of him was left.'

'How much of him was left?'

'As much as didn't fall off.'

'Of course. So what did however much of him that didn't fall off do about it?'

'He had to Report A Problem.'

'I've always liked the way you say capital letters.'

'Thank you, Pooh. Yes, always a good opportunity to go a bit Nordic.'

'What did he have to…mind if I try…?'

'Please do.'

'What Did He Have To Report?'

'Hmm, touch of the Catalan in the H's, Pooh, but that's nice…mellifluous.'

'Gosh. Thank you. So what did he--?'

'Oh, now, he had to tick a box saying Someone Is Trying To Be Me As I Was Before I Was Hacked.'

'That all?'

'No, Tigger says. Then he had to choose from a list of fall-y-off-bits.'

'Ah, right. Like arms, one / two, fingers and thumbs, one…'

'That's it, Pooh.'

'Two…three…four…five--'

'Pooh, do you want to hear a bit more Nordic?'

'För all del.'

'What's that?'

'Swedish. Owl got it from an old phrase book for travellers.'

'Meaning?'

'I'm guessing that he got a talon under the front cover, lifted it up right to left--'

'The phrase, Pooh. What does it mean?'

'What everything always means in travellers' phrase-books.'

'Ah, yes…the behaviour of your concierge has been less than seemly…'

'...given this load of combustible postillions.'