Nipping up the Pitbull

'Well, anyway, Tigger says he'll be submitting a tender to run it next year. Complete shambles, he said it was.'

'Sorry, Piglet, what are we talking about?'

'That…thing, that…Nine Lessons and Carols thing.'

'What happens with that?'

'Well, you know, this time of year, lots of people out there going into one of those drafty places with a spike.'

'A catheter.'

'Yes, they all pile into the catheter and then there's a sing-song and then nine ladies all called Carol take it in turns to go up the steps to that…that wooden effort…circular, you know, with--'

'Pitbull.'

'Yes, each goes up in turn to the pitbull and gives a lesson.'

'Nine lessons? Take all night.'

'Oh, no, they're not lesson lessons…more, sort of, handy hints.'

'Oh, I see,'

'Yes, so Carol One, she might say, I don't know, put a layer of kitchen towel in a plastic box with a tight lid and then your salad won't wilt.'

'Won't?'

'Well, not as fast. It'll still wilt when you're not looking.'

'Naturally.'

'Then Carol Two nips up the pitbull and says, having trouble with your odometer? Try this simple fix. Or something.'

'Ah, I see.'

'Apparently there's always one Carol who says many a mickle makes a muckle.'

'Oh, well, that's a handy reminder.'

'Isn't it, though? I mean, you might be running late, brain all over the place, halfway down the street and it's, oh gawd, where's me muckle? But never fear…'

'As if I would…'

'…you can hunt down humble mickles to an equivalent value, local rates permitting.'

'So what went wrong, then? This year?'

'One of the Carols was indisposed. They had to get someone else in.'

'Never!'

'True as I'm standing here or standing wherever I was standing before I stopped.'

'Well, there's a thing.'

'Yes. Festival of Nine Lessons, Eight Carols and a Trish.'

'Dear me. Well, I hope her lesson made up for it.'

'She said something about pricking out.'

'Good grief. In a catheter?'

'Pooh, I neither know nor care which receptacle she had in mind.'

'As well you might neither nor. But...one thing…'

'Yes, Pooh?'

'Couldn't this Trish lady…I mean, couldn't she have called herself Carol? You know, just to fit in?'

'Ah, now, Pooh, Tigger says things are bad enough in their post-tooth world without making it worse.'

'Post-tooth? Is that what they're in?'

'Revenge of the Chocolatiers, Pooh. On account of tariff fluctuation.'

'I had a touch of that this morning.'