Love Puddle

'Goodness, Piglet, I didn't think it would be that drastic.'

'Certainly is, Pooh. Huge cutbacks on all programming.'

'Well, I'd heard Eastenders would only be on two nights a--'

'Eastender, Pooh.'

'Oh…just the one?'

'A different character for each five-minute episode.'

'Doing what?'

'Well, they might run to one end of the Vic bar and yell "Don't you care nuffink abaht famerlee?", then run to the other end and yell "No I bleedin' don't" and then rush out just in time to bounce off the bonnet of a moving car.'

'I see.'

'Well, the front half of a car.'

'Ah.'

'Made of papier mache.'

'Right.'

'Reinforced.'

'Oh, good.'

'If available.'

'Well, naturally.'

'With a couple of the floor crew going Brrrm, Brrrm.'

'If available.'

'Well, quite.'

'But surely they can't mess about with all the classic things. I mean, The Archers--'

'Archer.'

'Oh, dear.'

'Now an everyday tale of a country bloke.'

'And what's his tale?'

'Standing disconsolately in various fields yelling "Damn you, Brian Aldridge, what about my set-aside?".'

'And what about it?'

'Set aside. Potential cost overrun.'

'I see.'

'Love Island will just be Love Puddle.'

'Well it usually is at the end of each episode.'

'Let's not go there.'

'But Piglet, some of these programmes cost next to nothing to put on. Why cut them back? For pity's sake, Gardeners' Question Time--'

'Gnomes' Answer Time.'

'Really?'

'Tigger says they're an under-represented subset of the horticultural demi-monde.'

'He still talks like that?'

'Yes.'

'But he has promised to seek treatment?'

'Faithfully.'

'So what will these gnomes be answering?'

'Some of them might wax aggrieved about the length of their rods.'

'Sounds like we're back to Love Island.'

'Puddle.'

'Beg its pardon.'

'Not that all the programmes will be cut back.'

'No?'

'Belgravia.'

'Gesundheit.'

'No, no, that new Julian Fellowes series.'

'Oh no!'

'Oh yes. Managed to escape. Plans to broadcast itself in full.'

'Can nothing be done?'

'Berlin scientists are working on a vaccine.'

'To do what?'

'Morph it into out-takes from Benny Hill.'

'Would that be better?'

'Could it be worse?'

'Point taken.'