Mingle with Fingal

'Pooh.'

'What is it now?'

'I can only see your ear.'

'Oh, for pity's sake.'

'Try moving your head or your screen but--'

'--There, I've moved my head and my screen--'

'--Not both--'

'Happy now?'

'Now I can only see your other ear.'

'Good grief, Piglet, does it matter?  You know it's me.  My ears need something to be stuck either side of and--'

'--Yes, Pooh--'

'I'm still that something.   Though it does raise an interesting philosophical caramba.'

'Conundrum, Pooh.'

'So much the better. Two for one.  You know, just because you can see my ear, does that mean the rest of me exists?'

'I'm all too aware it does, Pooh.'

'Ah, but does it?  It's like if I get up from a chair and leave the room, is the chair still a chair if I'm not looking at it?'

'Pooh, don't worry--'

'What was his name, the chap who busied himself with all that?'

'Mr Russell?'

'Jack Russell!  Of course.  Very versatile man, Piglet.  Could evaluate the utility of the physical sciences while fetching your evening paper from the doormat.'

'Yes, a loss to the world.  Now if we can get on--'

'But I still don't know why we're doing this now.  I mean, we can still go out and talk to each other from a distance.  Why are we having to bother booting up our lapsangs and doing screen-time and all that?'

'A trial run, Pooh.  So we know what to do if they tell us we have to self-instigate.'

'It's all nonsense.'

'Pooh, you'll get used to it.  You'll even enjoy it.  When some folk boot up their lapsangs, one of them hums the first line of a melody, then the other hums the next line and it, you know, sets the tone for their conversation.'

'Oh, really.'

'Really.  Owl and Rabbit use "Fingal's Cave" and--'

'Oh, marvellous, so they slope off into a cave when they're meant to be self-dizzying.'

'No, Pooh--'

'And who's this Fingal and how long's he been round here?'

'Pooh, it's a piece of music--'

'Got himself a cave, eh?'

'--Yehudi Mendelssohn--'

'I didn't know we had a cave round here.  Unless this Fingal's had it dug out.  Bet he did.  Bet he's one of those second hormone owners.  Can't imagine what rate-band he's on.'

'--Pooh, Fingal--'

'So… off he swans to Owl and Rabbit and it's "Never mind all that self-dizzying. Come and see my cave-away-from-cave"--'

'--Pooh--'

'--"My bijou bolthole"--'

'--If we could just--'

'--"My little old podiatry-terre"--'

'--Pooh, listen--'

'--I notice he hasn't invited us. Oh, no.  We're not good enough to mingle with Fingal.'

'Pooh, shall we try again tomorrow?'

'I'm going to Googoocachoogle him.  What's the betting he's one of those, you know, nervy riche?'

'I'll sign off now, Pooh.'

'Actually…you don't think he's another perishing Woozle?  Not there when you look for him and not there when you don't?  See?  Times like this you need old Jack Russell.'

'Over and out, Pooh.'

'Out? Thought we were practising self-instigation.'

'Au revlon, Pooh.'

'Oh, very well, Piglet.  Auf Widdicombe.'