Saturday, 30 March 2019

'Clear the Lorry!'


'Well, Piglet…'
'Well, Pooh…'
'Looks like proper chaos in their country.'
'I'd say so, Pooh.  Tigger reckons they're now in unchartered accountants.'
'Heavens! What does that mean?'
'They'll just have to get themselves chartered.'
'Ah, career change.  Well, they were obviously rubbish at being MPs.'
'And Old Bill was defeated three times.'
'Back to traffic duties for him, then.  So what will happen next week?'
'Well, Laura Carlsberg--'
'--Probably the blondest political editor in the world--'
'--says they'll be opting like it's gone out of business.'
'Just ahead of their country, then.  So how does that work?'
'Ah, now, the biggest Bercow--'
'The what?'
'His real name's John Speaker but he's the biggest Bercow in the House.'
'Stiff competition for that.'
'Oh, he just blinds them with precedent and neckwear.  Anyway, Ms Carlsberg says that he'll
arrange for a pantechnicon to be reversed up to My Lady's Lower Chamber.'
'I don't think I wish to--'
'I don't wish to tell you. '
'And then?'
'Ah, then, the biggest Bercow gets the list of the different optics ready and yells "Clear the Lorry!" and the doors open and they all scurry out.'
'Who do?'
'The indicative voles.  And then he yells out an optic and they all run and hide.  Then someone finds where the largest number are hiding.  Then they all come out again and he yells the next optic and they run and hide again.'
'Till the optics are empty.'
'Completely.  And whatever the largest number of hiders…or hideaways…I don't know the right--'
'Heidelbergs?''
'That's it…whatever the largest number of heidelbergs is at the end, that's the optic they choose.'
'What a lot of optics.'
'A vital part of Westminster life, Ms Carlsberg says.'
'No wonder they don't get anything done.'
'And apart from all that, someone might move a motion at any minute.'
'On live television?  Disgraceful.'


Thursday, 20 December 2018

Happy Merry Tram 'n' Ferry

'Well, Piglet.'
'Well, Pooh.'
'Merry merry.'
'Happy jolly.'
'Tom and Jerry.'
'Buddy Holly.'
'Jolly happy.'
'Outsize nappy.'
'Roaring fire,'
'Danny Dyer.'
'Happy merry.'
'Tram 'n' ferry.'
'Sleighbells ringing.'
'Bob 'n' Binging.'
'Sprouts 'n' mash.'
'High Street crash.'
'Rudolph's nose.'
'Boots to close.'
'New Year Joy.'
'Myrna Loy.'
'Bette Davis.'
'Dot 'n' Mavis.'
'Here's to you.'
'To you too too.'
'With a hashtag?'
'Plus a gift-bag.'
'All good cheer to every body.'
'Eeeeeet's Kreeeestmas! -'
'Ah - Walsall Noddy.'

Happy Merry Tram 'n' Ferry

'Well, Piglet.'
'Well, Pooh.'
'Merry merry.'
'Happy jolly.'
'Tom and Jerry.'
'Buddy Holly.'
'Jolly happy.'
'Outsize nappy.'
'Roaring fire,'
'Danny Dyer.'
'Happy merry.'
'Tram 'n' ferry.'
'Sleighbells ringing.'
'Bob 'n' Binging.'
'Sprouts 'n' mash.'
'High Street crash.'
'Rudolph's nose.'
'Boots to close.'
'New Year Joy.'
'Myrna Loy.'
'Bette Davis.'
'Dot 'n' Mavis.'
'Here's to you.'
'To you too too.'
'With a hashtag?'
'Plus a gift-bag.'
'All good cheer to every body.'
'Eeeeeet's Kreeeestmas! -'
'Ah - Walsall Noddy.'

Tuesday, 11 December 2018

I've stood me stand.


'I'm sorry, Piglet, it doesn't make sense--'
'--it does, Pooh, if you'd--'
'--and I simply can't join in with any old nonsense at Kanga's carol-service--'
'--Pooh, it's just a shorter way of saying--'
'Victim of incompetence, that's what that cattle-shed was.'
'Pooh, it means that once upon a time, in Royal David's city--'
'I wonder how it got there? Must have played merry hell with its joists.'
'Pooh, it means that there once stood a lowly cattle-shed in Royal--'
'Oh, yes, stood is right, probably all winded and buckled, having been fed misinformation.'
'Look, there's no suggestion that it was ever anywhere else.'
'Once, Piglet. It says, once in Royal David's city. Which is to say, as soon as it got there.'
'Pooh--'
'Probably been given a right royal soft soap, poor old thing. Oh, yes, come along, annual Cattle-Shed convention, meet all your mates from all over, exhibitions galore, new breakthroughs in shed-stance, sign up for our Lowliness Profiling--'
'If you'd just--'
'Lunch provided.'
'Pooh, it means once upon a--'
'David hisself might drop in.'
'Please, Pooh--'
'So it gets all its laths and rafters over there, you know, looking out for a guide with one of those placards,"Meeting Point, Out-of-Town and Overseas Cattle-Sheds, A Warm, Woody Welcome." Nothing. Hangs about, asks a passing wheelbarrow, sorry, mate, never heard of it--'
'Pooh--'
'Though there's a Gazebo-fest on in the next street, you could tag along with them.'
'If you'll just let me--'
'Here, now we're chatting, my sheddy friend, any WD40 on you?'
'It means that once upon--'
'Oh, right, well, how about a dollop of corn-oil?'
'It was always there, Pooh. It never--'
'So what does the poor hoodwinked shed do? What can it do? Stand for a bit. And just the once. Then, quite rightly, it says to itself, you know, flip this for a game of dry-rot, I've stood me stand, it's a long way home, seen one royal David you've seen them all, I'm off.'
'All right, Pooh. All right. Well, how about "Ding-Dong Merrily On High"?.
'What? A song about a pub brawl at eighty thousand feet?'
'Just a thought.'
 

Monday, 8 October 2018

Of which we know whatnot...


'Pooh, I was wondering -'
'Shhh, Piglet.'
'Sorry?'
'Shhh.'
'Why?  What's happening?'
'Let us betake ourselves unto the zone.'
'What zone? Oh, don't tell me someone's slung up an installation right here in -'
'Silence, Piglet.  Silence. Tigger says it's essential to mediate.  You know, let your mind go plonk.'
'Why should we do that?'
'Words, Piglet.  Tigger says that sometimes they can be swords when they should be fraushoes.'
'It's that honey, isn't it?  Moment I saw "Produce of Colombia" I just knew--'
'That whereof of which we know whatnot, thereof let us know not it.'
'So…if you don't know something you shouldn't talk about it?'
'Yes.'
'When's that stopped Tigger?'
'For it is written, Piglet: let your yea be yea and your shush be shush.'
'Biblical, is that?'
'Oh, Piglet, Piglet.  Jimmy Cliff.  1968. Top tune.'
'I think he might have got it from -'
'He sang about the White Cliffs of Dover, you know.  Just like Miss Lynn.'
'I don't think Mr Cliff had quite the same experience of Dover as -'
'Your mind, Piglet, your mind is like unto the sky.'
'What's this "like unto" business?'
'Your thoughts are like clouds, Piglet, having a proper old scud.  Happy thoughts.  Airy thoughts. Then, all of a sudden, sad thoughts.  Not all that very nice thoughts.'
'No, Pooh, that's minefieldness.'
'Not mediation?'
'You mediate between things.'
'Ah.  Like the devil and the old brown cow?'
'Deep blue sea, Pooh.'
'Oh, code now, is it?  Well, purple sparrow to you.'
'No, it's a saying that -'
'Sorry, Piglet, I'm in the zone.  Ow…ow…'
'Oum, Pooh.'
'Ow…cow….'



Wednesday, 3 October 2018

Not Maudlin


'Piglet?'
'Yes, Pooh.'
'Is it Kavenarr or Kavenaww?'
'I rather think it's Shrowsbury.'
'Ah.  So not Sconn.'
'Oh no.  Though possibly Soulihull.'
'Or Lemster?'
'On high days and holidays, I should think.'
'But not Maudlin.'
'As in College? Oh, no.'
'I've always wondered what Maudlin College is.'
'A slightly more stoical Heartbreak Hotel, Owl says.'
'Oh, I see.  Piglet?'
'Pooh?'
'How exactly do you pronounce Cholmodeleybelvoirfeatherstonhaugh?'
'Char.'
'Gosh.  Needs an extra-long cheque book, though.'
'Oh, they never carry anything like money, Pooh.'
'Well…extra case for the syllables.'
'Or luggage.'
'So how do they manage?'
'Owl says they just call out"You there, zero-hours giggy chappie, haul these, will you?"'
'Gosh.  It's a wonderful world, Piglet.'
'Red roses too.'


Sunday, 23 September 2018

Creative Writing at Leicester

Many thanks to Jonathan Taylor for taking a selection of my work for the Creative Writing at Leicester site.  Please follow link.

http://creativewritingatleicester.blogspot.com/2018/09/two-poems-by-michael-w-thomas.html