Wednesday, 30 November 2016


'I was talkynge to Tygger just today and--'
'Pooh, what exactly is that voice?'
'Ah, Pyggelet, I'm getting into Ye Olde Zone.'
'No, no, Pyggelet…whatte?'
'I'll stick with what, thank you. What's all this in aid of?'
'Itte isse in ayde of the Christmas Fayre.'
'Fayre? You mean fair?'
'No, Pyggelet, you must saye Fayre or you wul be bangede uppe.'
'What Fayre?'
'Thayre Fayre.'
'Outte thayre. Go onne…say, "Wel, aye declayre".'
'I shall do nothing of the sort. So they're all having fairs out there.'
'Fayres, Pyggelet!'
'I simply don't cayre…care…Pooh, are you getting round to saying that Tigger--'
'Tygger, Pyggelet!'
'--wants a fair or fayre in heere? Now you've got me at--'
'He alreddee has someone in mynde to openne itte.'
'I think I can guess…'
'Mister Anthony Blayre.'
'Oh. Not a Sonny-less Chayre?'
''Strewth, Piglet, yore dim an' no mistyke. Yew don' 'alf get up my chim-chim-cheree.'
'Who are you now? Hans Van Eyck?'
'Werl, see, yer Tigger, 'e's finkin' uv 'avin' a Victorian theme. Lots uv 'em aht there, thass wot they done.'
'I thought Mary Poppins was set in Edwardian--'
'Garn! All the same to them as'll be doin' the rahnds uv the coc-ee-nut shies un' avin' their fowerchunes read.'
'In that case, I'd say that all of those…them…those out there have wasted their time.'
'Well from what I've heard, they only have to stand still from now on and they'll be Victorian all over again.'
'Nah, lissen ter me, Piglit, yore talking like a wrong 'un--'
'They could just call their fairs Us Now. Go on, Pooh, cast aspersions on the cut of my jib…'
'I wunt giv yer the sa-hatis-fa-hack-chewun.'

Friday, 25 November 2016

Book promotion! The Mercury Annual and Pilgrims at the White Horizon

From 28th November to 2nd December 2016, the two novels that make up the Valiant Razalia sequence, The Mercury Annual and Pilgrims at the White Horizon, are on specially publicised promotion at their publisher, Theaker's Quarterly Fiction / Theaker's Paperback Library.  I hope you will have a look and enjoy them.  Thank you very much.

Wednesday, 23 November 2016

Jam Before Yesterday

'As in…Jam?'
'The same, Pooh.'
'So these are folk who are now having a tough time?'
'There's no now about it, Owl says.  It's been a while since they weren't.'
'So…jam before yesterday, then?'
'Long before some yesterday or other.'
'What does it mean?'
'Calling them Jam?'
'Owl asked Tigger.'
'Oh…I wish I hadn't--'
'--who took a deep breath and said it means Just-About-Managing-To-Resist-The-Impulse-To-Seek-Out-The-Smug-Ticketyboos-Who-Neutralise-Problems-By-Roping-Them-With-Acronyms-And-Then-Eviscerate-Them-And-Sling-Them-In-A-Skip-At-The-Back-Of-A-Reasonably-Remote-Petrol-Station.'
'Gosh!  You and Owl must have splendid lungs.'
'So kind, Pooh.'
'Have you ever thought of trying to fly?  Like him?'
'Tigger says that, out there, I could do just that any time I like.'
'Well, there's a thing.'

Friday, 18 November 2016

The cost to the sax-players.

'Goodness.  Is that so?'
'Apparently, Pooh. Owl told me.'
'How much is it, again?'
'Three hundred and fifty million of their pounds.  Could be more.'
'And that's for the lighting--'
'Lighting, heating, big wash and brush up.  Apparently the wiring hasn't been replaced since the 1950s.'
'Sorry, Piglet, why did you put that Patrol-Leader voice on just then?'
'Ah, well, it's that phrase, you see.  If you want something importantly urgent done importantly, whether you deserve it or not, you have to say it hasn't been done since the 1950s.'
'Oh, I see--like saying that something's the size of whales--'
'--who have recently ingested ten football pitches.  Yes.'
'So whoever needs all this doing…they're paying for it?'
'Ah, well, they can't.  They're on special benefits.'
'Special benefits?'
'Divine right.'
'Owl asked Tigger--'
'--oh, dear--'
'Who said it roughly translates as, never give suckers an even break.'
'I see.'
'No, the saxplayers are footing the bill.'
'Saxplayers.  They pay for everything in their…their…oh, what's the term?'
'Civil society?'
'Well, yes, for want of anything better...that.  Apparently people are forever going on about the cost to the saxplayers.'
'Sounds like they've got some kind of fan club.'
'Mums are loyal.'
'So how does it work?'
'Owl reckons that in their…do I have to say "civil" again?'
'Not on my account.'
'Thank you, Pooh.  Well, in their thing, Owl says, there's a group of saxplayers who are so bad that they have to pay to play.'
'They must want to play ever such a lot.'
'They must want to stay rubbish even more.'
'And where is this place?'
'Oh…Buckingham Something.'
'Three hundred and fifty million.  Gosh.  Ah, well, you know…'
'Know what, Pooh?'
'Well, it's coming up to their season of good swill.  Perhaps the saxplayers will ask to be allowed to give it to, oh, I don't know, children who need to be needed.'
'Oh, Pooh…silly old bear.'

Something-Something In Need.

'Homeless in Need.'
'No, that's not it.'
'Sufferers from Hidden and Therefore Not Particularly Well-Publicised Afflictions in Need.'
'Shorter than that, Pooh. I should have got Tigger to repeat it. Might have made it worse, of course.'
'Poets in Need.'
'Good grief, no.'
'Latest In Long Line Of Governments Who Sit Back And Rub Their Hands While People They're Ripping Off In Other Ways Dig Deep In Their Own Pockets For, in Need.'
'Remember what we talked about, Pooh? The difference? He's not called Short John Silver; they aren't locked up in Short Lartin.'
'Oh, yes, yes...sorry.'
'If I could just remember one--'
'Celebrities With Mid-Career Flaggage Who Could Just As Easily Donate Anonymous--'
'Pooh! No, it's something to do with children...the kind of world they'll have to grow up in out there.'
'God Help The Children?'
'Give Us A Hand To Beam Up The Children?'
'Ah...yes...Scotty In Need.'
'I knew we'd get there.'