Lonely goats

 

'Short and grey and old and haggard

The doc for tonsillitis goes walking

And when he passes

Each one he passes goes

Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh.'

'To repeat, Pooh, it doesn't improve on further hearing.'

'Well I'm not singing the original. I mean, Ipanema...sounds like a fungal incursion among the under-twelves.'

'Three things. It doesn't. Ipanema is a romantic name. No-one's asking you to sing anything.'

'But Kanga's working on the Hundred-Acre Christmas Festival programme right now. I've got to offer something before it's too late.'

'How about a mime?'

'Ah, yes, like that Marcel Morsel. Actually, I could mime clues to a song and then sing it when someone guesses. Kill two berks with one stone.'

'I was thinking more of a stationary - '

'But which song? Back to square one, you see?'

'She's not looking for songs from every - '

'How about that one from The Sound of Music? Plenty of mime potential there.'

'Sorry, which - ?'

'Stood on a high hill, a lonely goat heard.'

'I think you'll find it's High on a hill was a lonely goatherd.'

'No no no, Piglet. The original syntax is all to pot. I've improved it, you see? Still a touch awkward, I admit, but - '

'But it's not goat heard. It's goatherd.'

'That's what I said, if somewhat more slowly and punctuatiliously than you.'

'It's goatherd.'

'Goat heard.'

'Goatherd. Someone who herds goats.'

'Piglet, verb forms are a closed book to you. I hear. You hear. He, she, it, this, that, mum, dad, Shakespeare, Hildegard of Bingen, Tommy Shelby, Nostradamson hears. I heard. You heard. He, she, it, this, that etcetera heard.'

'Pooh - '

'Not heards. How far do you think Mr Dave Edmunds would have got with "I Heards You Knockin'"?'

'Pooh, it's goatherd. All one word. Like a shepherd for goats.'

'Piglet, it's a be-horned, altitudinally insouciant quadruped on his tod. He heard - not heards, mark you - a yodel of rare invention and beguiling timbre.'

'It's the goatherd who's doing the yodel - '

'So:

Stood on a high hill

A lonely goat heard

"Lay, lady lay, 'cross my big brass bed".'

'That's actually Bob - '

'No, Piglet, it's actually Bill. As in Billy. As in goat. You really must expand your porcine frame of refulgence.'

'As you wish.'

'Not wishes, Piglet. Facts. You should dabble your trotters in 'em sometime. Whole new world for you.'

'Well, one fact is that it'll soon be that time again. So I wish you a Merry Christmas, Pooh, and a Happy New Year.'

'And to you, sir. And to all on Sunday.'

'And sundry, Pooh.'

'No no no, Piglet. He, she, it, this, that, mum, dad - '

'Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh!'